Ok - so this isn't the typical happy blogger mommy post. I have just had an overwhelming week and need to vent! Let me preface it by saying that baby #2 is coming soon. I am dilated to 2 cm and could have him anytime! So I'm not sure if these feelings are from being pregnant and hormonal and emotional and overwhelmed or what.
Do any of you just have "blah" days where you feel like, "who really cares about me anyway?". Am I the only one? Do any of you just feel lonely sometimes? Do you ever feel out of touch with friends and what's going on? Part of the problem is probably that I haven't been as good a friend as I could be in recent months because I've been caught up in pregnancy and chasing a 1 year old around. Perhaps I haven't called or emailed people often enough.
Do any of you ever feel like you try to give your best but then you don't get the return you're hoping for? I know failure is something to learn from but darn it - it stinks! I wish I were better at so many things - cooking every night, cleaning the house, teaching Keegan, being patient, reading scriptures EVERY day, being organized, being more creative, making money in my business endeavors, etc and I wish I were artistic. This is just the start of my list. I've had some feelings about another issue for a while too. I found out a few months ago that some people in my ward were talking about a YW lesson I taught. Apparently they felt that I didn't cover the topic well, that some of the lesson was wasted time, and that it needed to be re-taught the following week because I didn't give the girls the message they needed. This was just a couple of women but since learning this I have definitely had my confidence shaken. I know that I shouldn't let it get to me but I feel bad. I try to prepare lessons with a prayer and to be in tune with what I feel like I should teach. I'm not a great teacher but at least I try to do my best. But does this mean my best is not even good?
Keegan is also going through a picky eating and "I hate veggies" phase which is so frustrating! I am a dietitian for crying out loud! I know what to do here and I am still frustrated! I find myself becoming impatient and then feeling guilty. That starts the whole "I'm a bad Mom" sequence of thoughts. Anyway, I hope this phase will pass. Mealtimes have become a battle zone with screaming, crying, throwing food and everyone exhausted and not enjoying their food.
I guess my main point is that I am feeling inadequate. AND - I'm about to have another baby!!! How will I manage this? Can I handle it? I am wishing I were more like some of my friends who (at least seem to) have it all together. They are great moms. People love to be around them and they always seem in touch with friends. They are organized and patient and confident. They are spiritual and good examples. Maybe I just need some sleep to help me out of this funk. Oh wait - I can't sleep because I am pregnant! And come next week the sleep deprivation only gets worse!
OK - I will stop my whining. Thanks for letting me vent.
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haha - you are so funny - not meaning to laugh at you, just at what you describe! if it makes you feel better, I wish that I could be as good as you are in several of those areas! i think that we have to remember that we are our worst critic - especially when we are pregnant! You are a great friend, mom, teacher, crafter, COOK (seriously now), and really who likes eating vegetables anyway!! he'll get over this phase and move on to something else - they just like to keep you on your toes. and this next baby will be so lucky to have you!
can i just copy and paste this blog and put it on mine - i have these days too!
Wow this post struck to home. Last night I was crying to Joe about everything. He said, "I love you." and my reply was, "Well at least 1 person loves me in this world." I think we are too hard on ourselves. I think we have too many expectations from ourselves. I think we take all the good qualities that our good friends have and lump them all together and expect to be ALL of those qualities. It's simply impossible. It's good to try to be better today than who we were yesterday but the adversary would have us see who we aren't, and the lord would have us see who we are. We are so much more than we aren't. I think the Savior sees who we are and is grateful for the shining stars we actually are when compared to so man of his other children living the standards of the world. I have to remind myself that the #1 most important thing is Faith in him, and living his commandments. All the other stuff, ie: cooking,cleaning,housekeeping, creativity, etc is just a bonus and gives us something to work on when we get bored(haha, bored when your a mom?) April, you are a wonderful, bright, smart intelligent woman who I have looked up to and admired in so many ways since the day I met you. I am excited for you to have another baby, but get ready for some frazzled days. I only had to handle it for 6 months, unfortunately it's after the first 6 months it gets better. Soon you will find you have 2 little ones playing with each other and they will be best buds. It will be hard for the first little while, but it will get better. James & Spence were only 15 months apart. It's so hard to have them that close in age bc your older kid is just entering the challenging stages of toddlerhood. But Hang in there! There was a reason this baby needed to come now! You will be great. And just know how much I love you!
Love,
Michelle
Hey...I love and think of you often! Paul and I would like to do a family trip nexy year to Texas...do you know any one we can stay with? We hope you deliever a happy and healthy baby. Don't get down...pregnancy is a cruel joke on women, hang in only give waight to things that matter...some veggies take a while to love...love you...T
Hey! Thanks for calling yesterday. It was so nice to chat while I shopped - without kids! I'm sure we all have these moments so we'll appreciate the good. After venting on my blog, I think my husband is extra concerned about me. I told him only a mom could understand. It's not like I'm "depressed," I just had a rough day. And then the next day was good. Anyway, I wish I could be there to watch Keegan for you or something so you could have a break. Good luck with the baby. Post pictures as soon as you can.
Love,
Kim
April, you're such a blessing to everyone who knows you. You're a wonderful mother to Keegan and you're going to be a wonderful mother to your new little one as well. I'm sorry that you're having a rough time and I wish i lived closer so I could give you a big hug! Hang in there and know that you are loved and are in our prayers. And call me anytime!
april- stumbled across your blog from ashlee's. Your baby and bump are so cute!!
one thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is how those seemingly perfect people and families NEVER are once I get to know them. and sometimes I discover that they are even more messed up than I am, which can be strangely comforting.
Anyway, what I mean is that I'm sure to some of your friends you ARE that perfect person. As somebody who doesn't know you all that well...I think you are!
Hope pregnancy ends soon for you, it sucks doesn't it?
Oh April!! I can so totally relate to this in so many ways!! It's hard to be hormonal!! And sometimes it's not just the hormones, sometimes it's just hard! It's hard to feel like we are ever "enough." I listened to this great talk called "The myth we call perfection." He tells the story of when Mary Magdelene is cleaning his feet with her tears and wiping them with her hair and annointing him with a very expensive oil. The disciples ask Christ why he is letting this woman do that and wasting the oil, and Christ says to them "Let her alone, she hath done what she could, and it is enough." I think about that often when I start feeling bad about myself. I am doing my best, and it is enough. It's funny, because I remember this one time when you taught a lesson at mutual to the Laurel's on food and you had it so together and gave a wonderful lesson and I remember thinking "Wow! I wish I could pull something together like that!" You did such a great job! Just remember that woman can sometimes be mean and they don't really mean to be. They are also just striving for the "myth we call perfection." I hope you start feeling better and know that you are "enough!" :) Good luck with delivery and tell all the girls Hi for me! I can't wait to see pics of your little one!
oh honey-we've all been there. you're a wonderful mother and wife and having 2 kids is grreat!!! they will have so much fun together!!! hang in there!! you're doing the best you can and that's all we can do!!!
I just heard about the baby. I am sure your week has improved now. Congratulations. We love you guys
Love, Scottee
OK- so I don't check blogs very often and I know I'm totally late with this one, but here it goes.. Good for you for putting into words what ALL of us have felt at some point during our mommy lives! I miss seeing you on mutual nights, and honestly- your YW are so lucky to have you. Just remember- YOU were the one called to your calling and not whoever criticized you. Your YW obviously love you, and so do the rest of us! Congrats on the new little one!
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